Armadillo Milking Weekly

The Weekly Armadillo Milking

How to Armadillo Milk

By: Gary Summers

Well I'll be griddle, fried and baked. You want to Armadillo Milk. Well here's how:
Strip down to your tighty whiteys and rub yourself with jelly 'cause this may get sticky. Grab a bottle of Elmer's Glue, a balloon, spatula, mouthwash, bird seed, ammonia, one tricycle complete with get-to driver, a straw, mittens, alcohol (for sanitising), and a clothes pin.

Step (1) Find an armadillo.

Step (2) Put on your safety mittens.

Step (3) Sanitize the mittens with the alcohol.

Step (4) Remember to do the next steps quickly to avoid injury.

Step (5) Flip the armadillo over with a spatula.

Step (6) Rub some glue around a spot on the armadillo's underside.

Step (7) Stick the straw into the belly in the area with the glue so that the glue seals the straw to the skin so that you don't loose any milk.

Step (8) Attach a balloon to the straw.

Step (9) Blow into the armadillo's mouth as if you were giving him CPR. The pressure will push the milk into the balloon for collecting. Blow until all milk is out.

Step (10) Give the armadillo some mouthwash before yourself. (Be courteous)

Step (11) Now take some mouthwash for yourself.

Step (12) Remove straw and balloon.

Step (13) Close balloon with clothes pin to prevent leakage.

Step (14) Glue the area of the armadillo's belly shut where you put the straw in.

Step (15) Administer some ammonia to the armadillo so that he is unconscious while you escape to avoid injury.

Step (16) Spred some bird seed around so that the armadillo will have something to eat once he wakes up. Getting milked makes you hungry.

Step (17) Push off the get-to driver from the tricycle and peddle away to freedom.

The armadillo will have accumulated more milk in about 2 months. A health armadillo should contain 2 gallons of milk. Keep armadillos in colonies off about 200 with one queen. Make sure to mark the queen with a purple or blue dot, so as to keep track of it. Armadillos are to be kept in sheets. Keep the sheets in a white box. A buzzing should come from the box when the armadillos are happy. Give them lots of flowers to pollinate. The "milk" produced is actually honey. For more information on keeping your armadillos in a healthy condition, go to http://www.beekeppingfornewbs.org/

Now that you know how to Milk Armadillos, you can add a variety of jobs that you will be qualified for to your resume'. Happy Milking!

Advertisement: Improved titanium straws at Armadillo Milking General Store. Only $17.83.

Expert's Tales: Mad Armadillo Disease

Armadillo Milkers Brad Falco, Lit Grendle, and Greg Wumblo were up in Toronto ,Canada when a crop duster flew over the group of wild armadillos they were milking. The one they were just gluing sneezed and turned green in the eyes. "It started to chew my shirt and all of the sudden it was tearing off my hair," remembers Brad. "Then the whole group of them got red in the eyes too." The group of armadillos then attacked Falco, Grendle, and Wumblo. The enraged armadillos tore off all of their hair and started to pummel them. After 20 minutes of being pummeled, the experts reached their get-to tricycles. "I'm glad I took that class on get-to driver pushing techniques, " reports Grendle. "it probably saved my arm pit hair." They peddled away to the Motel 8 they had been staying at and received immediate medical assistance. Lit, and Brad both had rabies and received a shot. All three of them were admitted out the next day. "I'm still going to keep Armadillo Milking though, I couldn't make a living any other way," said Greg Wumblo even though they are hairless to this day.

If you have seen any armadillos with green eyes, get inside, check your hair to make sure it is safe, and call us immediately at 1-800-898-MILK. More information on Mad Armadillo Disease will be coming soon. Or visit http://www.armadillomilking.org/madarmadillodisease.

Tip of the Week-Make sure to have your get-to tricycle equipped with training wheels.

This Week's Casualties-13